trying harder

Sometimes things don't go well with parenting. Sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, we fail. Even though the mantras are going in our heads - "be kind," "remember the relationship," "act as if," "show your love," "be the adult," "be consistent," etc. - we still find ourselves acting badly. We yell. We make threats or promises that we did not plan to say and do not really mean to keep. And then we are guilt-ridden and frustrated and resentful and sad. We have failed.

One of my goals for the year is to stop having spanking be an item in my parental tool box. And then to remove the threat of the spanking. I was spanked when I was a child; it was common and normal then, although I think some of our spankings went above and beyond the norm. I never spank more than his years, and usually less (three swats is typical). I am always sorry. I don't feel that it is a particularly effective method of punishment, but sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, I find that I have worked myself into a corner where I feel that that is my only option. I know that that isn't the case, but... It is a work in progress.

This morning, I asked Spencer to wear one of the Valentine's shirts that I made for him, and he rebelled, even though the shirt in question was red with a big rocket ship and a planet. I tried to get his things for him, including the new underwear he was so excited about, and he was angry and unhappy and threw a big tantrum first thing in the morning, and I lost my temper, and it all went downhill from there. If I think about it, I was disappointed at his reaction, and I wanted to show off my handiwork, and I felt so clever putting the iron-on vintage Valentines on his shirts that he wears underneath things so that I can get maximum wear out of them and still have cute themed wear for the holiday, and I was no better than a little kid howling "look at me! Approve my art! Tell me how clever and wonderful I am!" I also managed to suck the joy out of his new underwear that he was so excited about (Oscar the Grouch! Cookie Monster! Elmo! WOW!). And he used up all my goodwill and energy for the day with his tantrum. I do see the irony in spanking him for naughtiness when he hit me, and I understand that I was mostly embarrassed and angry that he was being so difficult and that I had made such a request when my mother-in-law was visiting and now I felt that I had to stick to it. When he rebelled and didn't want to wear a coat in 22 degree weather and wouldn't put his school shoes in his backpack and wouldn't pack his water bottle and I got completely fed up and told him fine, then you aren't going to school - that was clearly a mistake. Because he was obviously going to school.

But when I drove him and his grandma and little brother to school and went in and volunteered and tried to be a happy part of his life - that was more like I was hoping to be. We can start the day over at any point. We can try to become the kind of parents - the kind of people - that we want to be. We can suck up all those embarrassing, childlike emotions that we are not proud to own and try to rise above and start over and remember all those mantras. "I love you," "I am so glad you are mine," "I am glad you are here." At the end of it all, he is my darling little boy, the one I hoped and planned for and then tried to give the best and most enriched life that I can. Of course he doesn't know how great he has it, how he has more time, activities, things, demonstrations of love of any kid I know. Thank goodness he doesn't know; I am glad his childhood is so different from mine. I do the best I can. Sometimes my best will not be good enough, but that is no excuse to not try.