trying harder

Sometimes things don't go well with parenting. Sometimes, in spite of our best efforts, we fail. Even though the mantras are going in our heads - "be kind," "remember the relationship," "act as if," "show your love," "be the adult," "be consistent," etc. - we still find ourselves acting badly. We yell. We make threats or promises that we did not plan to say and do not really mean to keep. And then we are guilt-ridden and frustrated and resentful and sad. We have failed.

One of my goals for the year is to stop having spanking be an item in my parental tool box. And then to remove the threat of the spanking. I was spanked when I was a child; it was common and normal then, although I think some of our spankings went above and beyond the norm. I never spank more than his years, and usually less (three swats is typical). I am always sorry. I don't feel that it is a particularly effective method of punishment, but sometimes, in spite of my best efforts, I find that I have worked myself into a corner where I feel that that is my only option. I know that that isn't the case, but... It is a work in progress.

This morning, I asked Spencer to wear one of the Valentine's shirts that I made for him, and he rebelled, even though the shirt in question was red with a big rocket ship and a planet. I tried to get his things for him, including the new underwear he was so excited about, and he was angry and unhappy and threw a big tantrum first thing in the morning, and I lost my temper, and it all went downhill from there. If I think about it, I was disappointed at his reaction, and I wanted to show off my handiwork, and I felt so clever putting the iron-on vintage Valentines on his shirts that he wears underneath things so that I can get maximum wear out of them and still have cute themed wear for the holiday, and I was no better than a little kid howling "look at me! Approve my art! Tell me how clever and wonderful I am!" I also managed to suck the joy out of his new underwear that he was so excited about (Oscar the Grouch! Cookie Monster! Elmo! WOW!). And he used up all my goodwill and energy for the day with his tantrum. I do see the irony in spanking him for naughtiness when he hit me, and I understand that I was mostly embarrassed and angry that he was being so difficult and that I had made such a request when my mother-in-law was visiting and now I felt that I had to stick to it. When he rebelled and didn't want to wear a coat in 22 degree weather and wouldn't put his school shoes in his backpack and wouldn't pack his water bottle and I got completely fed up and told him fine, then you aren't going to school - that was clearly a mistake. Because he was obviously going to school.

But when I drove him and his grandma and little brother to school and went in and volunteered and tried to be a happy part of his life - that was more like I was hoping to be. We can start the day over at any point. We can try to become the kind of parents - the kind of people - that we want to be. We can suck up all those embarrassing, childlike emotions that we are not proud to own and try to rise above and start over and remember all those mantras. "I love you," "I am so glad you are mine," "I am glad you are here." At the end of it all, he is my darling little boy, the one I hoped and planned for and then tried to give the best and most enriched life that I can. Of course he doesn't know how great he has it, how he has more time, activities, things, demonstrations of love of any kid I know. Thank goodness he doesn't know; I am glad his childhood is so different from mine. I do the best I can. Sometimes my best will not be good enough, but that is no excuse to not try.

things to do when the weather is bad, part 1

I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately, maybe because moms represent comfort and safety.  My mom liked health food when I was a kid.  I've been enjoying green juice because she used to put liquid chlorophyll in my orange juice (it was supposed to help my eczema).  And she enjoyed the health food store (as do I), so odd flours and interesting ingredients seem enticing and fun to me rather than exotic or unappealing.  I made these buckwheat babies with caramel syrup this morning for breakfast.  The pancake was nice, but I made a small batch of the caramel and accidentally overcooked it.  While I will eat bitter caramel, neither my husband nor Spencer liked it.  Spence gobbled up his pancake, though.  He loves buckwheat.  Last night, while John was having a night out, Spence and I ate grilled tofu and grilled Napa cabbage and brown rice and roasted golden beets and this sauce.  Unfortunately, I didn't realize I was out of miso until I was ready to serve up, so I made the sauce with tahini instead.  We didn't really enjoy it, but Spence loved the tofu and cabbage.  ("This tofu is delicious, Mommy!" he said, and my heart just melted.  He learned to say "delicious" appropriately in preschool - one of the many things that I love about his teacher.)  Beets make me think of my mom too, although she was more likely to open a can of sliced beets and serve them cold, right out of the can.  (I like them that way too.)  It is strange the things that remind us of happy times in childhood.
On days that don't support being outside, there are still a lot of things to do in town, depending on the age of your children and your budge/inclinations.  You could:

1. go to Discovery Days on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Fridays at 9, 10:15, or 12:30.  Miss Stephanie does a different theme each week and offers four different craft tables, a themed sensory table, a playdoh/gak/slime table, themed pictures to paint at an easel (and paint shirts to keep your child's clothes nice), a puppet theater with lifelike animal puppets, a flannel board, a playhouse and more.  It's the best way to spend $4 in town.  They have a punch card that doesn't expire.  The Longmont Museum is also highly interactive, with things the kids can touch and explore in every exhibit.  There is a fantastic section on early Americans, a big train engine with an i-spy activity, a unique water table to demonstrate how the community shares water resources, a child-sized accordion that they can play, a wall to graffiti on, a real moon rock, and a ton of activities on the top floor, including dress up costumes and books.  The top floor also features one of the best views in Longmont, and if you ask before you go up, the front desk will loan your child a pair of binoculars (free of charge).  They have interesting music and social programs throughout the year, a concert series in the summer, and various summer camp options for older kids.  They also have the absolute best selection of Dover sticker and activity books that I have ever seen in their Museum store, and they do not mark them up over the cover price.  These are fantastic for restaurants or traveling - they take up no space, can occupy toddlers to much older children (depending on which book you choose), and are easy to clean up if your child stickers up the table.
2. Go to the Longmont Public Library for storytime on Tuesdays or Wednesdays at 10:15 and 11 and Wednesdays at 1:30 and Thursday nights at 7.  They also offer a bilingual storytime on Thursdays at 7:30 p.m.  (This one is just a few times a month, or maybe once a month.  I have heard that the storyteller is outstanding.)  For the daytime storytimes, there is an infant/lapsit storytime, a toddler storytime (with parachute play), and a preschooler storytime.  Parents are not required to stay in the room for the preschool storytime, and it nearly always seems to involve a flannel board.  Not being required to stay means that you can go to the infant or toddler story with your youngest while your oldest enjoys some solo time - if you can trust them to stay in the room, listen to the teacher, not throw tantrums, etc.  And just as a note - if your child needs a bathroom at the library, they have special tiny toilets in the bathrooms in the children's section.  The library also features a train set to play with, a stand alone train setup that they can operate by pushing a button, a puppet theater, educational and fun computer games on computers with child-size headphones and a special mouse that is just right for tiny awkward little hands.  (Also tiny keyboards, but those aren't really needed much.)  They have plenty of special family programs throughout the month, and they keep their calendar updated on their website. 
3. Try out the slot car racing at Slot Car Speedway, which is the building attached to HobbyTown USA.  Spence went here with his dad starting at about 3, and we had a great time.  They often have cheap coupons/gift certificates on the BestofLongmont website, so that's something to watch.  (Our first time, I got an evening's worth of entertainment for $2.50 thanks to the Best of Longmont
4. The Longmont Recreation Center features a zero entry pool with a toddler slide, all kinds of fountains and splash features that are interactive, and two water slides (one of which you can ride down with your child).  They also have a lazy river, a water basketball area for better swimmers/bigger kids, and of course a hot tub and lane swimming.  They also have incredibly cheap babysitting, a rock climbing wall, and a lot of toddler classes.  Their hours are not amazing for the weekend, which is when it usually occurs to me that we should go swim as a family, but they are a wonderful daytime retreat and a nice place to go for a playdate, once you get over the awkwardness of seeing all your mommy friends in their swimwear.  The pool allows pretty much any kind of inflatable or reasonable toy that you care to bring, so pack a big bag and enjoy yourself.  They do have a small cafe, and I think it has pizza and other simple foods, so you could potentially eat lunch there.  They also have free coffee and tea by the front door.  If you are truly losing your mind, you can take the kids to the cheap babysitting and enjoy a workout, shower alone, sauna, book in the hot tub, etc.  (They will page you if your child is crying, so maybe don't depend on this option when they are weepy.)
5. There are the fast food options, which in Longmont means two McDonalds playplaces and a Chick-fil-a.  The McDonalds at Main and 19th (1900 N. Main St.) is our favorite.  It has a music theme and a special under 3 play area as well as a several story high playground for bigger kids.  There is a piano keyboard you play with your feet, a guitar you play by standing on it, several ways to play music from various countries, a climbing wall, and other fun things.  Your child can easily waste an afternoon here, and if you disdain McDonald's food, feel free to buy a carton of milk and then turn them loose.  The McDonalds at Main and Ken Pratt (245 S. Main) is also nice, and I wouldn't shun it if your child has their heart set on going there.  It is better for bigger kids and features a helicopter that they can jump in, lots of levels to climb and explore, and a car to sit in while your child looks down on you.  The under 3 toys tend to be worth having, but the over 3 toys are gender themed and often very related to the latest kid movie.  I have never had them tell me that I can't have the toddler toy, though, and those tend to be things like cars, submarines, buses, etc.  The Chick-fil-a (215 Ken Pratt Blvd) has healthier lunch options and their play place is very clean.  There are no tables in the playplace, but the play area is enclosed in glass so that you can recline at your table in comfort and watch your offspring race around the car, airplane, tunnels and slide.  There is also an under 3 area.  The whole thing is smaller than McDonalds but more accessible in some ways.  I think kids tend to outgrow the Chick-fil-a option sooner and then start misbehaving on the equipment, but it is easy to see what they are up to and intervene if necessary.  Their toys tend to be more worthwhile, and their under 3 toys are quality board books.  If your child doesn't open their toy/book, they can turn it back in to the counter for an ice cream cone with sprinkles.  If you don't want to let your child eat fast food, they have a great fruit cup that is reasonably priced, and they also have a grilled chicken option now.  (We haven't tried that yet.)  They will let you get the fruit cup instead of fries in the kids meals.  They also give out a lot of free food, once a week or so, if you sign up for their mailing list.  Periodically they have Princess Night or Sports Night for the kids, and if your child is a Disney princess fan, you should definitely take her.  Their staff members dress up like the princesses and do a pretty decent representation of them, and spend time dining with the kids, doing crafts with them, taking pictures, etc.
6. More suggestions might include going to the movies, Crackpots, the WOW museum, the REI playground, the new Boulder children's cafe, the (fairly sad) Longmont mall playground, go roller skating or ice skating indoors in Broomfield/Westminster, go to Bouncetown, Airborne open gym time, Itty Bitty City, or Gymboree drop-in classes.  If the weather isn't too awful, you can go ice skating at the Longmont Pavilion in the winter.  You can also hit the consignment stores, if your child is able to shop without sobbing, and can sometimes get some fantastic deals and unusual toys.  More details on all those next time.  Of course if you want to drive to neighboring towns or to Denver, your options grow and grow.  I will keep adding to the list as I think of things.

loving the snow

I have panic attacks when I drive in the snow.  I don't love shoveling the walks or scraping the cars, and I don't like the dingy slush all over my floors or the stench of wet dog every time our dog comes in from outside in snowy weather.

But I do really like the snow.  It is beautiful and special and fun, and I love to share it with the kids.  I love watching Spencer try to catch snowflakes on his tongue, and Malcolm's intense stare as the snowflakes shine in the sun.  It makes me feel cozy and happy, being at home in with all the warm comforts that home can offer.  Part of loving snow days, for me, is keeping a stash of things that are special to those days.  We play outside, and then take a long bath full of all the color changing hot wheels, and then have hot chocolate and soup and grilled cheese.  I put out a huge mixing bowl when the snowfall starts to collect fresh snow, and we use it to try out different recipes for snow ice cream.  We try fun art projects and make playdoh.  (I found the best recipe ever - make it in the stand mixer, and don't forget the 4 tsp. cream of tarter - it has a wonderful hand feel and isn't sticky and smells great.)  I add glitter to make it snow playdoh.  We bring in a bin of snow so that Spence can build tiny snowmen and let his little people sled down hills.  We make instant snow, which is fun.  I have made juice icicles for breakfast treats, which were fun.  We bake something fun and have an involved breakfast - some kind of great pancakes (like these buckwheat ones, which Spence loves, made with white whole wheat flour and buckwheat flour, or these fantastic buttermilk ones - the batter keeps well for a week in the fridge, or these apple crisp ones, which are awesome),  or muffins, or doughnuts, or oatmeal with special flavors.  We like to read books about snow - that list is a whole other post - but we are midway through Charlotte's Web, so that will probably be the book of choice for tomorrow.

I have plans for more snow fun, many of which are on my Pinterest boards - here and here.    I want to do pretty much everything snow-related that this mom has on her blog, though - she is amazing!

By coincidence, the library had pretty much every movie we ever wanted to watch with Spence on hold for us tonight, so we will probably have a movie night tomorrow.  I have a lot of de-hoarding and cleaning to do to prep for my in-laws visit this weekend, and poor Malcolm still isn't able to stay asleep during the day, so he is super grouchy - so in spite of my fun snow ideas, tomorrow may turn out to be that rare and much-loved day - a movie day.  Oh the bliss.

movie night - "Sleeping Beauty"

We've been seeing a fair number of princess movies lately, and it is interesting to see my son's response.  He is still young enough that he doesn't care if the movies are girly - he just wants them to be compelling - so I am enjoying sharing things with him that I loved when I was a kid.  We are reading "Charlotte's Web" and the American Girl Kaya and Kirsten series; he enjoyed watching "the Little Mermaid"; and last week, I took him to see "Beauty and the Beast" as his first 3-D movie.  He was enthralled, laughed out loud, and told me in a few places that he didn't like the movie (because the violence was scary).  He didn't notice the missing mother, but was really upset that Belle didn't get to say goodbye to her father.  He was also concerned about Gaston falling off the roof.  Disney is really fond of the bad guys stabbing the hero and then falling off of something.  Apparently there can't be a happy ending unless the evildoer dies. 
We use www.commonsensemedia.org for our recommendations on movies, books, etc., and now that he is 4, a whole new crop of movies are potentially appropriate.  We veer outside of their guidelines occasionally, but we are almost always sorry when we do.  Sometimes even their guidelines seem a little suspect; Spence was really concerned about much of "Sleeping Beauty."  Part of that, though, is that as a boy, he is steeped in firetruck lore and robots and space and dinosaurs, and has almost no background to explain magic, spells, fairies, true love, enchanted sleep, shapechanging evildoers, dragons, etc.  There was a lot of explaining to do, to the point where it got annoying to keep explaining over and over why Aurora and everyone around her had fallen asleep, why Maleficent had kidnapped the prince, why Philip and Aurora were supposed to get married, etc.  It was interesting to get his viewpoint, though, and in the end, he really loved the movie. 

In an effort to have a happier, friendlier relationship, I spent some time before the movie chatting with him about how I watched it when I was a little girl, etc.  He asked me, "What did you like about it, Mom?"  Trying to think back that long ago to remember what I liked about it, and sharing that with him, was nice.  He has become such a little person, with his own views and interests - and not just the ones that I share with him.  He spends a fair amount of time cuddling with his teddy bear in his bed and whispering to her, and he suddenly wants privacy all the time.  I am so grateful that I get to watch him be newly grown-up while I am snuggling his baby brother - it is something I thought we might not get to do, and it is a wonderful feeling.

I love the idea of theming up everything, and I will try to theme the menus for future movie nights.  I'll post details as I have them.

I also haven't posted the birthday party wrap-up.  Since a lot of my planning involved reading about other people's parties on the internet, I will repay the favor in a few days and post the details and where I got ideas from.  Today, we made thank you cards using his footprint and a sharpie to create firetruck art.  I think they came out well, and they were pretty fun to do.  Definitely product and not process oriented art, but sometimes that's how it goes.

dinner tonight

We were at the store a few days ago and chuck roast was on sale.  I was feeling a little nostalgic and thinking about my mom, and I remembered that she always cooked her pot roast with Lipton onion soup mix packets.  I remember really loving that meal - the way you could shred the meat with your fork into perfect, tiny bits, the flavor of the carrots and potatoes and onions - yum.  So I bought soup mix (which has a helpful recipe on the back) and chuck roast and tossed it all in the crockpot.  I was in a huge hurry, trying to get it all going and still get Spencer to Discovery Days, so I didn't have time to dice anything.  It took me 3 minutes to get this meal going, and that included making lunch for us and singing to a grouchy baby at the same time.  I put in baby carrots and sliced portobello mushrooms, browned the meat in oil, and added the meat and water with the soup mix blended in to the crockpot.  If I had been thinking, I would have deglazed the pan with the water to get a little extra flavor, but I didn't think of it until it was too late.  Maybe next time.  I made baked potatoes and a salad to go along side.  Not earth shattering, but really tasty, and it made me think of childhood.   Also, I liked the contrast between the soft meat and veggies and the crispy baked potato shell and flaky interior.

So the chuck roast made a ton, and a day later, I made a great beef barley soup out of the leftovers.  I sauteed shallots (since I was out of onions) and celery and a bit of garlic in a little butter.  Once the shallots were translucent, I added a 28 oz can of crushed tomatoes.  I meant to add diced, but grabbed the wrong can accidentally, and once it was open, that was it!  I added a few cups of water to thin it out and then diced and added some of the leftover meat, all the leftover juices, and the leftover mushrooms.  I sliced the leftover baby carrots in half and added a little rosemary and shook in some quick cooking barley.  Then I let the whole thing cook while I made cheddar biscuits and butterscotch pudding.  Both of those recipes were from the old Betty Crocker cookbook that my mom used when I was little, and that I enjoyed a lot of experimenting with in my early teen years.  I served it with a salad and everyone was pretty happy with it.  My husband thinks I can only cook from a recipe - but he is wrong!

I saved a fair amount of the leftover roast, and tonight, we will have basil blue cheese stroganoff.  I haven't tried this one before, but I love stroganoff and basil and blue cheese and beef  are delicious together, so hopefully it will be great.  I am trying to use the things we have instead of heading to the store whenever I am out of something (because at the store, I inevitably find a LOT more to buy than just, say, mushrooms and egg noodles, which is what I need for dinner tonight).  So I will use the dehydrated mushrooms I keep in the fridge for emergency substitution, and I think we will probably have our dinner over rice instead of noodles, and it should all be good.  I am going to just use our basic stroganoff recipe, which isn't written down - basically onions (or shallots, since I am still out of onions) and garlic sauteed with mushroom, and then a little beef broth (or rehydrating liquid from the mushrooms) to catch all the fond on the bottom of the pan, and then sour cream, thinned to taste.  Maybe some spinach added, or not.

I find I am always intrigued by those leftover chain meals, where one meal begets the next in a long string of meals, and I am pleased to have come up with my own.  (I think the chain will probably stop here, though.)  I think the combo of winter and still feeling pretty sad has left me craving comfort food, and all of these meals are high on my comfort list.

I get to S's bedtime feeling completely drained now; all the testing just sucks the energy out of me.  He is so sweet and so good with his brother and so loving - and then, unpredictably, so naughty and frustrating and rude.  Typical little boy behavior, I am sure.  He tries hard.  I found this post to be helpful in trying to change my own reactions to his "typical" behavior, and though I won't say today went perfectly, or even necessarily well, it had a lot of really nice moments.

happiness

One thing I loved about the Happiness Project was the author's advice to "be Gretchen."  That is, she identified the things that were truly fun for her, and stuck to them.  There are so many things that sound fun but are not really fun, or would be super fun for someone else, and it is easy to talk ourselves into participating in all kinds of potentially fun activities that we really are secretly dreading.

My son's 4th birthday is on Sunday, and he has requested a firefighter birthday party (again - same party theme as last year).  But this year, he wants a green fire truck party - as in, full of green fire trucks,  Smokey Bear, and dalmatians.  This is definitely more fun to plan than another red truck birthday, but I have gone overboard.  We have rented a space.  Invited (and had invitations accepted) for 40 kids and their assorted adults, which means I am suddenly planning a party for 80.  (We had 30 at our wedding, including all of our available family members.)  While I am thrilled to see so  many of our friends, and excited that so many have said yes to spending an afternoon with us, I am truly apprehensive about what I have done.  My poor husband is doing an amazing job of not strangling me, but I am continually startled by it all.  Favors for 12 are pretty different from favors for 40.  Have you seen what hot dogs for 80 people look like?  Now I have! 

Don't get me wrong.  Not only have I made this choice, all by myself - I am really excited for it all.  I think it will be a blast, and I think everyone will probably have a good time.  And if they don't - well, it's a 4 year old party, capped off with a visit to a fire station.  How bad can it really be?  But as I try to figure out the food, decorations, favors, cake, entertainment, etc. - I am feeling kind of overwhelmed.  But also really excited.  So...is this kind of thing something I love?  I have to admit that I am really looking forward to Monday, with no more planning hanging over my head.  And yet, I am also finding myself plotting a really fun (family only) Valentine's Day...  I think one clue to figuring out what we really enjoy is finding what we spend a lot of time on.  I love reading and researching things.  I love putting together something unique and interesting and unusual. It makes me feel happy and proud. Whatever my good intentions, I find it very hard to limit my internet time - and now that I have found pinterest...  And you can see that reflected in my home, which is full of good intentions and not enough follow through.  I am trying hard to change that.

But first - to get through the good intention birthday party.

Red Balloon

We had movie night tonight.  We do that randomly - no specific set night for movie night or game night - just whenever Spencer thinks to ask for one.  Tonight, we watched the Red Balloon, which is a classic from 1956.  I wouldn't have thought of this one as being appropriate or interesting for his age, but he was enthralled.  I read the suggestion in a parenting list online (sorry, can't find the link - maybe on parenting.com or babble.com?).  Watching a nearly wordless movie together, in which the only words are in (subtitled) French, was a really nice experience.  We talked about what was happening, and I prepped him for the idea that all balloons pop someday.  Movie night can easily become "Mommy and Daddy enjoy computer time while Spencer zones out to a show next to us on the couch" night, and that is a lot less family friendly.  So this was really nice, and I would recommend it.

When trying to choose movies for our family, we often rely on www.commonsensemedia.org .  This time, Red Balloon was rated for 7-year-olds, and it honestly might be boring for older kids, but for younger kids who might find the idea of a sentient balloon to be fun, or the idea of hide-and-seek with a balloon to be interesting, it was great.  I'd recommend watching it with some pain au chocolat, since the little boy eats one during the show.  All in all, a really nice time. 

We have had a difficult time lately.  Spence has been exploring some new territory, some of which has been frustrating for me.  We have welcomed our new baby boy to the household.  And I have discovered that I am truly battling postpartum depression, and I have not been handling it very well.  My most effective tool lately has been to act As If, and when I start to feel myself getting ready to boil over with rage, I can hear a little voice in my head hollering, "as if! as if! make good choices!"  Which is what I tell my son all the time - are the choices that you are making bringing you happiness? 

As If means act as though things are already fantastic.  Act as if my son is the most delightful boy I have ever gotten to spend time with.  Act as if I am deeply in love with my adoring husband.  Act as if I have had enough sleep.  Act as if I am not depressed and in fact feel wonderful about myself.  Act as if I am a beautiful woman who has already achieved my weight loss and fitness goals.  It works astoundingly well.  I am not aspiring to all of those things; they are already here.  Life is wonderful!  Etc.  And suddenly, I cannot yell at my son - I would never talk to the most delightful child ever like that.  And it is not a battle over what delicious but not great snack to have - at my tiniest, I never thought of not snacking on fruits and veggies - at least not if I wanted to stay thin.  When I was physically fit, it was nothing to go for a walk, or a hike, or whatever else people wanted to do - it was fun, instead of a big ordeal.  As if is powerful stuff.